


fix you

by mosaicofhearts



Category: One Direction (Band)
Genre: Codependency, Gen, M/M, Sleep disorders, Trouble Sleeping, basically tired little bunnies, prompt fill for a while back
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-04-15
Updated: 2014-04-15
Packaged: 2018-01-19 13:10:15
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 11,332
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/1471015
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/mosaicofhearts/pseuds/mosaicofhearts
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>sometimes sleep just doesn't come, even when your bones are as weary as your mind.</p>
            </blockquote>





	fix you

**Author's Note:**

> written for a prompt a long time ago, and i thought i'd post it here too, as i was relatively happy with it c:
> 
> the prompt was a 5 times thing where each of the boys suffer with a sleeping disorder of some kind!
> 
> can be read as gen, i think? but ot5 feelings. un-beta'd and all mistakes are my own, there are probably many lmao.

**1.**

Liam refuses to acknowledge it as a 'Problem' at first. Because a 'Problem' suggests something that is _wrong_ , and maybe dangerous, and it's not, really- just, sometimes, he has trouble sleeping. And yes, maybe those 'sometimes' are becoming more frequent but it's _nothing_.

He just finds it hard to sleep because there're so many other things he has to do; he has to make sure the alarms are set to wake everyone up in the morning, and he has to check them at least five times because it would be so, so bad if they didn't wake up. He has to make sure the doors and windows are locked and he has to check that the boys have turned the electrics off, because sometimes Louis straightens his hair in the night for some bizarre reason, and he can't really be trusted to remember to unplug the damn things.

Only Liam doesn't really have to do these things at all. It's more that he forces himself to do them because otherwise he's left lying in bed, staring at the ceiling and praying for sleep to come to him. It never does; or it does, but it's disjointed, disrupted-

Actually, he can't really remember the last time he had a good nights sleep; one that was seamless and uninterrupted, and-

It doesn't matter.

He tries to tell himself that it doesn't affect anything. So what if maybe he's more irritable these days? So what if he doesn't concentrate as much as he should when it comes to their meetings with management, their interviews? It's nothing. They all have their off days, and Louis and Niall never pay attention when it comes to the important stuff anyway, so why should Liam have to.

(But he knows it's only a matter of time before the boys notice, really).

It's not like he doesn't want to sleep, either- he does, he so does. But it just doesn't happen for him. There're too many thoughts chasing each other around his head and the worries- god, the worries. There're a lot of those- mostly concerning the boys, sometimes to do with his family, or with the tour, and the plans that Simon has for them and- it's just a lot to take in, that's all.

It's not affecting his health, not really. Maybe he's a lot more tired, and maybe he isn't refreshed, and maybe he gets frustrated far more easily, but it's alright. Really.

Maybe it's a good thing he's not sleeping so much, anyway- it means he can utilise his time even better, to do other more important things. He can get some new material for the album together. He can make sure all the dates and times for their upcoming public appearances are in order. Sometimes, if the other boys are completely out of it, he can practice on the guitar (and he's getting better, actually).

Sleep just isn't his number one priority and it's like- like he doesn't even need it. He's functioning perfectly well on the little sleep he does get- a few hours a night at best- and that's good enough for him.

\- - - -

It's a few weeks later that Liam finally decides that actually it  _is_  a 'Problem'. Even when he admits that (to himself) he doesn't know what to do about it. He doesn't want to tell the others- they're dealing with enough stress, from homesickness to management-imposed rules- and he doesn't want to tell Paul either because that will just result in Liam being made to rest, and he can't-

They're starting to notice, of course, but he just brushes it off.

_'"You're looking a bit peaky, Li-" Louis blinks through suspicious eyes, pinched with concern around the edges, and Liam freezes, his hand on the carton of milk._

__He ducks his head behind the fridge door, suddenly engrossed in reading the back of a packet of cheese- it's the kind that Niall doesn't like, the_ only _kind- feta- "Bit tired running around after you lot, Lou."__

 

_He's surprised with how easy his tone is, and Louis squints a little more, before he shrugs and turns to ruffle Harry's hair- and that's it, and Liam can breathe.'_

He doesn't need them worrying about him, that's all, and it's really not a thing to worry about anyway- it's just stress, and it's just a little lack of sleep, and there's nothing wrong with that. He's inclined to feel a bit worse for wear at times.

(A bit seems to be turning into a  _lot_  as time progresses, but that's insignificant. Really).

"Liam, are you coming to sleep?"

Liam shifts in his seat on the sofa, angling his head to glance over his shoulder- Niall's face pokes around the edge of the wall. The moon is streaming silvery light into the lounge area of the hotel suite they've been booked, and it shines onto Niall, reflecting off his hair, a golden glow around his head. 

Liam smiles. "Yeah, yeah- I'll be there after this show..." He glances back at the television, doesn't even know what's playing out on the screen. He thinks he probably will go into the room, but he knows he won't get any sleep, and being awake in bed isn't an inviting prospect.

"Okay..." Niall yawns sleepily, all bleary eyed, and Liam realises how young he looks when he's tired, and he remembers  _why_  he worries about all the boys. "Well the others are already in there- the beds are huge!"

Liam chuckles, and waves him off to bed as he starts yawning, before turning around to face the television with a resigned sigh. It's 1am, and that means he has at least seven more hours of torture, because they haven't got anywhere to be tomorrow, so they can have a 'well-deserved lie-in'. Only Liam's not going to get anything like that at all, because a lie-in these days is being able to sleep for four hours at a time.

An hour and a half passes with him idly flicking through the channels (there's nothing on this late at night) before he hears a noise behind him. It's been deadly quiet up until then- the sound makes him jump, dropping the remote control to the floor with a loud clatter.

"Calm down, it's just me" comes the unmistakeably sleep-slow voice of Zayn, and Liam presses a hand to his chest as he glares at him through half-crazed eyes.

"God, don't sneak up like that- shouldn't you be in bed? It's the first day off we'll have for ages tomorrow, you should sleep while you can before Harry and Louis are up to their games..." Liam settles back onto the couch, expecting Zayn to get a glass of water, or whatever else he came for- but he sits beside Liam instead, settling back against the plush cushions.

"Shouldn't  _you_  be asleep?" his tone is accusing, and Liam winces, but it was bound to happen eventually.

He shrugs. "Can't sleep. Happens sometimes."

"By sometimes I take it you mean every night, then?" Zayn jostles him, skinny elbow digging into his ribs, and Liam makes an indignant sound of pain. "'M not stupid, Li. None of us are, yeah?"

Liam doesn't quite know how to answer that, so he just remains silent instead, hoping that Zayn will leave it because he's  _tired_  damn it, and he just wants to be able to wallow in self-pity alone. He doesn't want to argue, and he doesn't want to have to explain- but at the same time a part of him is glad of Zayn's company. The nights get lonely when it's just him and his mind.

Zayn frowns, jostles him again. "Talk."

"I just can't sleep, alright? I don't know." Liam frowns, rubbing his fingers along the soft skin of his forearm, restless for something to do with his hands. "I mean- physically can't. Not for long, anyway."

"But- have you tried?"

"Of course I've tried! It doesn't work- there's too much to do, too much to think about. And if I do sleep I just wake up again without feeling any better, so what's the point?" Liam isn't really meaning for any of this to come out, but it's sort of like he's  _just_  coming to terms with it himself, as he speaks, and it's _nice_.

Zayn isn't looking at him as though he's crazy (and maybe he was scared of that) and he isn't judging- he's just watching him through sleep hooded eyes, gaze calculating. Liam shifts beneath it.

"Come on." Zayn stands suddenly, reaching a hand out to him. Zayn blushes when he doesn't automatically take it, cheeks darkening a rich red colour, and Liam raises an eyebrow. "Come  _on_."

Liam frowns, before taking the offered hand- he's hauled to his feet unsteadily, and then Zayn is pulling him across the room, turning the television off as he does so. They make their way around the couch, and then Zayn pulls him further down the hall towards the bedroom- Liam feels an odd clenching as they near it, almost like fear, because it's not nice, not being  _able_  to sleep, and the bedroom just symbolises everything that he dreads these days.

Zayn must notice his hesitance, because he squeezes his hand, and Liam can't deny that that makes him feel better- the clenching lets up quite a bit, and he allows himself to be pushed through the door of the room. There are plenty of rooms in the suite, but they've all crammed together into the one- there are only two beds, and Liam can see Harry and Louis curled up in one, and then there's Niall's mess of blonde hair across the pillow of the other. The duvet is crumpled, indicating Zayn's previous position.

Liam frowns. Hadn't he just explained that he  _can't_  sleep? He turns to Zayn, pulling his hand away, and stops. "I can't-"

"Just come into bed, yeah?" Zayn's frowning too, his tone low and persuasive, warmth tangling around Liam's bones. "You don't have to sleep- just it might help. To be near us. Tomorrow- we'll sort this thing out. Get sleeping pills or something. But just- try tonight."

The bed  _does_  look inviting, and although Liam is pretty sure sleep isn't going to come, he can't pretend that he doesn't want to try. Zayn's expression is hopeful, and Niall is letting out little comforting huffs of air. Harry's soft snoring is echoing around the room, oddly nice, and Liam can see Louis' hand smoothing across Harry's back, an unconscious gesture of affection.

Liam can't pretend that the atmosphere is heady, and he can feel tendrils of sleep seeping into his mind for the first time in a while- he knows he'll only get four hours at best, but it'll be enough until morning.

He nods. Zayn smiles encouragingly, and then they're sliding under the covers easily. Niall whines sweetly in his sleep at the slight disruption to his dreams, but quietens down when Zayn slips an arm across his waist. Liam presses his own fingers to Zayn's wrist gently, and although he doesn't feel like he's just going to drift off, which is all he wants to do, he feels like some of the pressure is lifted, and there aren't as many worries floating around his head.

Tomorrow, they'll sort it.

For now, he has warmth, and he has the boys, and he's surrounded by the sound of them breathing as he waits for sleep to come to him.

It's enough.

\- - -

**2.**

The tour is just about underway, and they're having the time of their lives- there's a never-ending rush of adrenaline that comes with performing night after night, and it buzzes around them all. Unfortunately, that very same rush that has them practically bouncing with happiness, also has them all wired up- as though they've been drinking twenty cups of coffee a day.

Nobody is all that surprised that it hits Louis the worst- he's a naturally busy person, his constant movements and touches something they've all gotten used to by now, and it's just intensified by the excitement of being on an actual  _tour_. The mixture of exhilaration and stress just seems to be too much for him.

At first, he just seems to stay up later than usual, and that's fine really. It means that Liam has someone to talk to, as he isn't completely 'cured' of this recently diagnosed insomnia yet. Of course, Liam attempts to shit Louis off to bed when he deems it as 'too late', but Louis know that he likes the company really.

Louis thinks it must get pretty lonely to be awake every night with nothing to do and nobody to talk to. At first, that's mainly the reason he stays up anyway, just to help Liam feel less alone (at least, that's what Louis  _thinks_  if the reason for him not sleeping- just worrying over Liam).

He does sleep really, though. It's not that he can't, or he doesn't want to, because he  _definitely_  wants sleep, and he finds it easy to drift off when he crawls into the sanctuary of a shared bed. 

No, the problems that keep Louis up are more physical. He's jittery and fidgety, like he's taken a dozen caffeine tablets- it becomes an annoyance to the others fairly quickly, resulting in Zayn telling him to fuck off when Louis bits him hard on the shoulder for the third time in a row.

Louis brushes it off easily, because he's Louis and that's how he functions. He's a bit more hurt when Niall, who's usually so fair-tempered, leaves the lounge of one of the hotel sites due to Louis' apparent inability to silence himself. Louis doesn't have the greatest control over his mouth at the best of times- now, with this weird humming in his bloodstream the words seem to tumble out from between his lips without his consent, bubbling in his chest and just waiting to explode.

He can't help it, and he wishes he could, because it isn't like he takes pride in being insufferable and frustrating. He doesn't like that he's the cause of Harry's stress lines, and Zayn's temper, and he doesn't like that he can't seem to discipline his body.

His fingers skirt along the tops of hard surfaces without his permission, his foot tapping in time to an unheard beat, impossible to still unless he really concentrates. He barely even notices how antsy he is until somebody points it out to him.

It's not that big a deal. He figures that it'll run its course- that it's just a by-product of the exhilaration of the tour. He'll get used to that feeling eventually, and then he can go back to being calm (or rather, as calm as he had been before anyway).

It's just easy to get caught up in everything, that's all.

\- - -

They've just finished a show in Detroit, and the crowd was the wildest yet. Louis just fed off the attention from the audience, as he always did- if they were loud, then he was ten times louder. They always had the best shows when they could really  _feel_  the crowd, and maybe this was the best show so far. It had certainly been fun, and between shouting into the microphone, and running off stage for outfit changes, they are ready to pass out by the time they got to the hotel. Mostly.

Louis almost envies his bandmates. They move slowly, eyes heavy with fatigue, and he  _craves_  that- instead, his mind is spinning, a pleasant hum echoing around his skull. He can still hear the crowd, still see the faces of the fans that had been so  _happy_  to be there (he still doesn't really get that, how they can make people happy just by being in the same room as them). He can feel his blood pumping and his heart racing- he feels like he can- like he can face anything.

He sort of loves how the fans can make him feel so invincible.

He sort of hates how the same feelings can make him so  _frustrated_ , at himself mostly.

He can see Zayn eyeing him warily, probably wondering what he's going to do- Louis figures it's obvious, then, how restless he feels. He can almost feel his muscles twitching with the need to do  _something_  and jesus, if that isn't agitating.

He calls to use the shower first, hoping it will help him to relax. The warm water beast down upon his back, full force. It's hot- too hot- but it seems to work; he feels the tension in his shoulders and at the base of his spine start to fade away, unravelling with the heat. He can already hear Niall and Harry arguing over who gets to go next, outside the door, and he hurriedly steps out from under the spray after only ten minutes. The whole room is enveloped in a hazy mist due to the heat, and he swipes a towel across the mirror to get rid of the condensation.

He looks pretty high strung. His eyes are rimmed red and wide (probably due to lack of sleep the previous nights) and his jaw is set, with gritted teeth. He can practically see the skin of his chest moving with the unsteady pace of his heart, a rapid  _thumpthumpthump_  that doesn't seem to have any breaks. It makes him feel uneasy, worried maybe.

He steps outside to let Harry in, barely noticing as Niall shoots him a disgruntled look, instead heading towards one of the bedrooms with the hopes of an easy sleep.

\- - -

Zayn wakes with the feeling of the bed shifting beside him, the mattress sinking beneath the weight of a body. His first thought is of Liam, that he has finally come to bed, so he just shuffles forward almost absent-mindedly, seeking the warmth of a strong body-he tends to be quite 'cuddly' in his sleep, and the others have gotten used to that by now.

Instead of hitting a hard chest, he moves onto a slightly cooler area of the bed, clearly empty. Not quite bringing himself to open his eyes, his mind still addled with sleep, he merely frowns softly, hand reaching out to feel gingerly along the mattress.

Nothing.

His eyes fly open. It isn't unusual for one of the boys to wake up, of course it isn't- sometimes one slips off to the bathroom, or to get a drink of water. Only it's Louis who he's sharing with tonight, and Louis' more of a heavy sleeper. He rarely wakes. This is  _significant_ , and Zayn knows it.

He also knows he's going to have to get up, so he heaves a slow sigh before sitting up hurriedly, giving himself time to adjust to the dark. He can see two mounds in one of the other beds that show that Niall and Harry are still asleep- there doesn't seem to be any sign of Louis and Liam though. Zayn frowns again. He hopes they aren't having secret night-time rendezvous', because that will really fuck up the bands dynamic more, if that is even possible.

He slides out of the cover of the blanket, shivering softly against the sudden cold air, and then walks out of the room as quietly as he can, not wanting to wake the two sleeping boys. He hopes that Louis has a good excuse for this little trip, because it's no secret that Zayn enjoys his sleep a lot, and he doesn't particularly want to have a talk with Louis and Liam about what they do at night.

It's not that he's jealous of the possibility of two of them going it alone, of course he isn't. That would be silly.

He's almost afraid of what he'll find when he turns the corner into the lounge area- he needn't be, though, clearly, because when he gets there there doesn't seem to be anything going in. In fact, Liam appears to have fallen asleep on the soft leather couch, his head lolling to the side, and Zayn feels a warm rush of affection as he walks over to turn the still glowing television off.

He briefly entertains the idea of waking Liam to get him to bed, but then he decides not to- Liam doesn't sleep well after all these days, so it's probably best to let him get as much rest as he can, no matter where he happens to get it. There's a throw over the back of the sofa, so Zayn grabs that and places it over Liam instead, tucking the blanket beneath his body and feeling grateful that nobody is here to really see this sappy git side of him.

He turns around, having almost forgotten about Louis, and lets out an unmanly shriek at the sight of the boy standing before him, silent and watching.

"Fuck,  _Louis_!" Zayn snaps, eyes shooting over to Liam to check he hasn't awoken at Zayn's outburst. But you know- seeing Louis just _standing_  over him is creepy, to say the least. "What the hell are you doing?"

There's silence.

Well.

That's just fuckin'  _great_ , isn't it?

Also creepy.

"L-Lou?" that's definitely not a stammer in his. It isn't. Really. "Lou, what's the matter?"

Louis' just standing there, completely stoic. His eyes are open, staring at Zayn but not really  _seeing_ , and he's not really moving either. At least he's breathing, which Zayn likes to think is a good sign.

"I swear to god, if this is your idea of a joke I'll fucking kill you, it's not even funny-" Zayn doesn't get to finish, because suddenly Louis is moving- walking away from him, which Zayn thinks is quite rude really. He hasn't felt this frustrated for a long time- Louis' been grating on all of their nerves with his sudden restlessness, and this is just  _weird_.

Still. He thinks it's best to follow Louis, so he does.

They don't get far- just to the kitchen, and then Louis is opening the fridge and staring into it, and Zayn is starting to feel really fucking confused. Because really, has he been woken up just for Louis to get a midnight snack and act like a freak? It's like when Louis' thinks he needs everyones' attention, tries to commandeer it (usually succeeds)and although Zayn thinks mostly that's just Louis' desire to feel _loved_ , it's suddenly making Zayn a hundred times more angry than he'd usually be.

"You're such a dick." he sighs, his voice low and bored (purposely so) because he really can't be bothered for this. It's gone 2am, and, frankly, if Louis wants attention he's going to have to wait till morning. Zayn's sure Harry and Niall will be more than happy to lavish Louis with affection.

Zayn? Not so much. He isn't really feeling anything remotely friendly towards Louis right now.

Still- it's really exasperating that Louis' won't even acknowledge him.

"I'm  _talking_  to you!" Zayn reaches his hand out, shoves Louis' arm less than gently. He's surprised when he's met with no resistant- Louis just sort of  _flops_  to the side.

Okay then.  
  
Maybe Zayn's a little bit worried now, too.  
  
"Lou?"

He takes in Louis' appearance again, racking his brain for answers- he almost hits himself when it comes to him. Of  _course_  Louis' would be sleeping. One of Zayn's sisters used to do it, particularly when she felt stressed or twitchy about something- all Louis' been doing lately is  _moving_  (and annoying the fuck out of them all) and it just makes sense now. He feels a little bad for thinking those harsh thoughts, now.  
  
He's sure he's read somewhere not to wake sleepwalkers up so, after a moments hesitation, he takes Louis' hand instead, pulling him away from the fridge so that he can shut the door. "Come on. Bed time for Louis, yeah?"  
  
Again, there's no resistance as Zayn starts to pull him along (apparently it's become a  _thing_ , Zayn being the one to drag people back to bed when things start getting ridiculous). He's not really sure what he's supposed to do when he actually gets Louis back under the covers- he needn't worry though, because as soon as he does Louis beings to snore, soft little breaths that alert Zayn to the fact that he's completely out of it.  
  
Zayn crawls sleepily in beside him and just prays that Louis doesn't punch him in the face, or something as equally as painful.

\- - -

**3.**

It's no secret that Zayn likes his sleep and, given that sleep is sort of lacking when they're on tour, he tries to get as much of it as he can, wherever he can. Yeah, sometimes that means he wakes up with a nasty crick in his neck, or a weird pulling sensation in his side, but it's worth it, it really is.  
  
Or, well, it  _used_  to be worth it. Now it's like sleeping doesn't help at all, even though he feels the need to get some shut eye whenever he can. It doesn't even matter whether he's had a full nights sleep or not anymore- he'll still manage to fall asleep during the day. It's not even just once, either. Some days, he can't go longer than two hours without feeling this insane urge to just  _sleep_.  
  
He'll nap for an hour, wake up and- nothing. It's like he hasn't even been sleeping. It's so weird, a little scary. He doesn't understand it, and he wishes he did. He does everything he can to not fall asleep, including drinking copious amounts of coffee, sometimes taking some of those weird energy tablets. But nothing works, because he still feels like he needs to just shut down for a while.  
  
The boys notice because, although he used to sleep during the day a lot anyway, suddenly it's like he's sleeping  _all_  the time. They'll be on their way to an interview, having only just woken up, and he'll be flat out within seconds, head lolling onto the nearest boys shoulder. Or he'll just suddenly start snoring, halfway through watching a movie on the flat screen on the tour bus.  
  
Nobody really thinks anything of it, because it's just  _sleep_. It can't be dangerous or anything, right? Right. Plus, they've already had a few sleep-related issues, and the tour has only just gotten underway, and none of them like the idea of yet  _another_  one of them suddenly falling victim to some weird illness as a result of weariness.

\- - -

Zayn manages to ignore this peculiar new habit of sleeping at the most awkward times for all of a week, before he realises that napping at least five times during the day just isn't going to work with their tight schedule.  
  
He takes it upon himself to find out what's wrong with him (even though he read somewhere that you're not supposed to 'diagnose yourself' or some bullshit like that, but he doesn't want to worry the others really) with the help of Google.  
  
After about ten minutes of typing in any terms he can think of ( _'excessive sleeping'_  and  _'why am I sleeping when I'm not even tired?'_ ) he manages to find something on Wikipedia which is scarily similar to what he's experiencing. Hypersomnia is an intimidating enough name as it is, but as he scrolls down the page he starts to feel light-headed because this sounds so much more serious than he'd imagined.  
  
When he gets to causes he feels pretty faint, and he tries to tell himself to  _breathe_  because there's no way he's going to have to explain to Liam why he's  _passed out_. Coeliac disease. Uremia- something about kidney failure (he clutches at his stomach in a frantic sub-conscious motion). Things he can't even pronounce, like 'fibromyalgia' (which is something to do with stress, so it seems somewhat  _likely_  but no, no-).  
  
He swallows, cards a hand through his hair, and tries to figure out what to do next, eyes skimming over the page, words like _depression_  and  _hallucinations_  jumping out at him, circulating around his mind and just- okay. He takes a few gulping breaths, practically feeling his heart jumping rapidly in his chest.  
  
Now he understands why people say what they say about diagnosing yourself via the internet. It opens up this whole world of possible afflictions, none of which sound at all pronounceable, and if Zayn can't pronounce them then they're automatically terrible. Why don't they ever have simple medical terms? Why can't it just be called 'Prolonged Sleep Disorder' or something like that, because that would be way less terrifying and-  
  
He checks to see if 'inane mind babbling' comes under symptoms.

\- - -

It gets worse.  
  
Whenever Zayn wakes up he feels this disconcerting sensation of 'where the hell am I?'. He can't even begin to describe the fear he's feeling, as everything seems to mount up until it's a large pile of Terrible Things hat Could be Wrong with me.   
  
He'll be shaken gently awake by Niall or Harry, and it'll take him about ten minutes to really rouse himself from slumber. It's not really abnormal behaviour for him, but it  _is_  different. Before, he just didn't  _want_  to get up. Now it's like he can't.   
  
Louis makes a teasing comment about Zayn being Sleeping Beauty one day- there's no malice behind it, it's just Louis being Louis, but Zayn kind of flips, tell him to fuck off with real heat and venom injected into every word he spits out. Louis is taken aback, hurt, and leaves Zayn alone after that.  
  
Although Zayn feels guilty, he just can't help it. Because he's terrified, and he's tired, and he's just really fucking irritated. Way more than usual. And yeah, it's not right to take that out on the band. He tries not to. Instead, he just ups his daily a mount of cigarettes from eight (he's been trying to cut down) to fifteen (on a really bad day he reaches that, too).  
  
He wonders if smoking could make his  _thing_  even worse, but he pushes that thought aside and keeps breathing in the toxic fumes.   
  
Another noticeable difference is how he speaks, and his thought process. Suddenly these things are both carried out at a slower pace than usual, to the point that even Harry gets frustrated with Zayn when he tries to string out a sentence. It's like- like his brain isn't quite catching up, probably due to lack of sleep (he isn't functioning well), and his words take ten times longer to form and to push through his lips.  
  
He doesn't have enough energy on stage at the concerts. He can't bring himself to work up a proper appetite, picking at his food and pushing it around his plate- bribing Niall to keep quiet by giving to to him instead.  
  
"Zayn man- you alright?" Louis is all worried eyes and soft hands, resting across Zayn's shoulder.  
  
Zayn feels a twinge of guilt at making them all so concerned- but he's fucking concerned too! ''M fine, yeah. Tired s'all." he yawns to make a point, and it isn't even a fake yawn, which is worse because he's just woken up from a two hour long nap ten minutes previously.  
  
He looks around at them all watching him, knows that Liam is dying to say something along the lines of  _'how can you still be tired'_  and that Harry is probably thinking about how they're  _all_  tired, and Zayn isn't the exception (Liam's got insomnia for gods sake, and Louis keep everyone up most nights with his whole sleep walking thing). Zayn doesn't blame him, because he knows it's right.  
  
It isn't until a few days later when everything sort of falls apart.

\- - -

"Excited for tonight?" Niall is smiling brightly, and it's pretty blinding, and Zayn has to look away before he answers.  
  
He frowns, confused, because he isn't sure how to answer that. There isn't anything happening (at least he doesn't think there is) so he just shrugs. 'Well. Yeah, sure.'  
  
Niall must notice something's off, because his face kind of falls. "You- you do  _know_ what's happening, right?"  
  
Zayn can see the colour flood into Niall's cheeks, and he's even more confused, because Niall seems a little- put out. Upset, even. He doesn't know what the right answer is (he can't exactly lie) so he just shrugs again, hoping he looks apologetic. 'Um...'  
  
"It's- it's my birthday. You know- that thing that comes round once a year? Paul said he'd get some alcohol for us, and you know that's a pretty big deal, this being America and all, and- we've been talking about this for ages..."  
  
Well fuck.  
  
Zayn racks his brain, can't seem to remember much (vague memories of them all deciding to make it homely for Niall, because they were away from family, crept in there somewhere, but not much else). He feels really- really mean. Because how could he forget Niall's birthday? The boys mean the world to him, and he's never forgotten any of their birthdays- and maybe that's what Niall's most upset about, Zayn thinks, because his blue eyes seem to be glistening and fuck.   
  
It's as though he's only forgotten  _Niall_  and that's- it's pretty terrible.  
  
"Fuck, Ni, I'm sorry- really, I don't know what's-"  
  
"It's fine." Niall shrugs, refuses to meet his gaze, staring down at the carpeted floor of the tour bus instead. "I'm gonna- go and, um. Help Liam with some stuff. S'later."  
  
And that's it, he's gone, almost running from the 'room' before Zayn can even lift a finger to stop him.

\- - -

A quick glance at that webpage tells Zayn all he needs to know about the symptom of memory loss, and then he realises he kind of has to tell someone. Memory loss is pretty big- he doesn't think it's really gotten serious, but things get worse if they're not treated, and he knows that.  
  
He tells Harry. He doesn't really know  _why_  because most people would probably go to Liam, because although he's fun there's no denying he's the most sensitive too, or Louis, because he has some sort of responsibility as the oldest. Niall's not really talking to him, so he's ruled out- and anyway. Harry is the least likely to panic, Zayn thinks.  
  
He turns out to be right. Harry just raises an eyebrow and nods, and doesn't make Zayn feel stupid for Googling all that stuff, and then they find Paul and he tells them he'll call a doctor. Which is scary. Zayn hates doctors, because you don't talk to them unless there's something wrong, and he hadn't really figured that this could be dangerous before now, but maybe it could be. He's pretty sure he can't, like, die from it or anything as dramatic as that but- still. He's never ill. Never ever.  
  
Thankfully, it turns out not to be bad, and Harry's there holding his hand (in the literal sense) so it's really- well, not pleasant, but almost. The doctor prescribes him some drugs (he can't pronounce those either, something like Methylphenidate- whatever) and then starts talking about some other pills he could give him, but Zayn doesn't really want to be dubbed a junkie by the others, so he just takes the first lot for the time being. Paul seems to be okay with that at least. Zayn's told to avoid alcohol and coffee (which he probably should have guessed anyway) and late night activities (which he can't really, because of the concerts, but they reach some sort of compromise) and that's it really.  
  
He feels a sort of weight lift off his shoulder as he shakes the doctors hand, and Paul ushers the man out of the door, deep in conversation, and Harry is still there. Zayn knows he's going to take the piss for the whole hand-holding thing but, right now, he's just relieved. He thinks Harry is too.  
  
Telling the others is a lot harder because they react mostly as he thought they would (Liam panics and  _why wasn't he told_ , Niall's smile splits his face because he hasn't been forgotten and Louis just smirks because  _there's some truth behind the Sleeping Beauty thing then_ ).  
  
Before they sleep, long after they've celebrated Niall's birthday, and Zayn has apologised with soft kisses, Liam watched him take his pills with his bed-time cigarette, and then they all manage to squeeze into one bed, instead of splitting into two. Zayn realises that they've all sensed his fear, and although he'd have been embarrassed at any other point, he's just thankful.  
  
He knows he won't be so worried about telling them things like this in the future.

\- - -

**4.**

With all the problems that the boys are beginning to experience, management seems to take pity on them- they can't cancel the tour, of course, but they aren't being worked so hard either. Management seems to realise that, even if they aren't pitch-perfect in performance, the fans aren't even going to notice, let alone care. It's helpful though, the fact that they're getting longer breaks between shows, and rehearsals, time to do things they want to do, like explore the various new cities they find themselves in- it also means that Liam manages to get some sleep during the day, and that the boys can help give Zayn something to do that doesn't bore him, that doesn't have him falling asleep.  
  
It's unusual for so many of them to be struck down with some sort of sleeping disorder- but then it's not, due to the high stress levels they experience. Louis' always been a sleep-walker, but it mostly only happens when he's really worried or anxious, or he's doing too much during the day.  
  
It's hard work, but they have each other to help them through. One of the boys will always offer to stay up with Liam on those nights that he finds sleep evading him. Similarly, one of them will get up to see to Louis when he begins to venture around another new hotel apartment (they always worry, because there are stories, you know, about different situations,  _dangerous_  situations that sleep walkers can find themselves in).  
  
Mostly, the medication seems to be helping both Liam and Zayn, and Louis feels sure that, as soon as the tour is over, he'll be back to normal. The sleep disturbances just become another part of their hectic daily routine, and it's mostly manageable.  
  
Still.  
  
It's not really welcomed when Niall starts to talk in his sleep.

\- - -

They don't blame him (just like they don't blame any of them for their issues) but it's another thing to worry about on top of an escalating pile.   
  
It's not really hugely problematic at first, because Niall's quiet. He's always had a bit of a thing with making noises in his sleep anyway- little murmurs, small snuffling sounds. It's something they teased him about at first, all that time back when they'd first got together at Harry's bungalow. He'd been embarrassed, but they'd all gotten over it pretty quickly, because it wasn't a big deal that he liked to cuddle up to people, and sometimes made these sweet, mostly barely audible, noises as he did so.  
  
It gets worse on tour, though.  
  
Instead of just sounds, he starts talking- like,  _really_  talking. It's slow at first- just a few words mumbled against someone's back- and it lasts only a few minutes a night. But then they're travelling around a lot, a different city every night, barely any time to rest, and it just gets worse.  
  
The first night it really starts isn't witnessed by them all.  
  
"No- don't touch my food."  
  
Liam's the closest to Niall, and he's awake anyway (he usually is). He turns his head, blinking his eyes slowly, mind addled with a lack of sleep. "Ni?"  
  
"Get  _off_. It's mine, go get your own."  
  
"N-"  
  
"It's really annoying when you take my food  _all the time_  Haz."  
  
Liam's confused ( _really_  confused) but he's pretty smart- he realises what's happening almost immediately. He's not really surprised, just because he's sort of been waiting for Niall and Harry to start showing signs of sleep deprivation- complete the cycle, so to speak. Mostly, he's just surprised that it hadn't been them  _first_ \- they're the youngest, and although they can look after themselves, they've always been the most vulnerable, for different reasons.  
  
He reaches over, hand hovering above the pale skin of Niall's arm- he isn't sure if he  _should_  wake him up, because is it the same as a sleep walker? He worries his lower lip with his teeth, undecided- he doesn't have to do anything in the end, because Niall just rolls over, cuddling close to him, and begins breathing steadily again. Asleep, just like that.  
  
Liam shrugs and curls back down into the sheets.

\- - -

Liam doesn't mention it the next morning, because he doesn't see it as that much of an issue- it had happened within the space of a few minutes, and none of them had lost any sleep over it. Niall didn't seem any different- he was up bright and early as usual, beaming widely and eating everything in sight.  
  
Unfortunately, though, that isn't the only time it happens.  
  
It starts becoming a frequent thing, and by the end of the week, all the boys have been up at some point with Niall murmuring and muttering in his sleep. They don't tell him- mainly because they know what he's like, that he'll feel guilty if he knows he's been keeping them up for some part of the night.  
  
It's not as though he's talking throughout the night, though, and they all manage to get some amount of sleep, however small due to their own problems.  
  
Mostly, Niall's quiet, just mumbling a load of nonsense, most of which has the other boys stifling laughter into shoulders and duvet covers. Louis sees it as an opportunity to tease Niall until he's red-faced, but Harry manages to convince him otherwise- they'll tell him eventually, but Liam doesn't think it's a good idea to have him worrying about it, on top of the stress of the tour.  
  
It gets worse though, because that seems to be the way everything goes for them these days.

\- - -

There's one night where everything goes to hell.   
  
It's a particularly bad night- one where they're all struggling. Liam's not going to sleep a wink (he can sort of- feel it in the stillness of the air) and Zayn's been falling asleep all day. Louis' all pumped up, bouncing on the balls of his feet- it's going to be an eventful night, and they all know it.  
  
They don't really expect it to be  _Niall_  who creates the most problems, though.  
  
He, Harry and Zayn go to bed, whilst Louis volunteers to stay up a while with Liam- nobody complains, and the hotel is mostly quiet for a few hours.  
  
At around 1am, Liam and Louis are half running to the bedroom, when a shout of 'no' has them sharing a look, eyebrows raised and mouths opened on the start of a question. By the time they reach the room, they can see Harry and Zayn hovering over Niall, who appears to be still asleep on the bed.  
  
"What's happen-"  
  
"No, stop! You can't-"  
  
It's a really strange experience watching Niall- who's eyes are still closed- talking like that, even though he's so obviously not awake. His mouth is wide, and his body is tense, and he seems scared or angry, but he's  _asleep_  and that's the scariest part of it.  
  
"I don't- Li, what do we do?" Zayn looks scared, and Zayn's hardly ever scared- Liam gapes at him, shaking his head sub-consciously, even as Louis moves forward to kneel beside Niall.  
  
"I hate you. I hate you- I do- I hate you-" Niall's voice is harsh, despite the apparent pain- he's practically spitting out the words, and Harry flinches away, because none of them have ever seen Niall like this- never heard him  _talk_  like this before. It's angry and bitter, and it's just  _not_  Niall.  
  
He keeps repeating those three words for a few moments and then- that's it. He's all curled up in bed, suddenly calm, breathing returning to normal- the change is so sudden that the boys just stare at him for a moment with baited breaths, wondering if he's going to start again.  
  
He doesn't.

\- - -

They don't know what to do the next morning, and it's taken a strain on all of them. Harry doesn't want to be close to Niall- as though he's afraid of the person they saw- and Zayn's more withdrawn. Because it's  _Niall_. He's like- like their sunshine. He's the calm one and the easy-going one, and the one that has a whole lot of love to give away to everyone. But that's not who they saw last night, and they don't know what could make him change like that.  
  
"Did you- have a nice sleep?" Louis keeps his tone light.  
  
Niall glances up from where he's buttering his toast, and smiles brightly. "Yeah, course mate. Why- did you keep everyone up again? You know me, sleep like a log." he laughs easily, seemingly unaware of the way they're all looking at him.  
  
"Yeah..." Louis laughs along, and it's only a little bit strained sounding- Niall doesn't notice, even if the rest of them do. "What did you dream about?"  
  
Niall stops then, raises an eyebrow. "Why the sudden interest in my sleeping habits?" he shrugs. "Nothing really. Usual." His tone has changed, despite the way he tries to appear indifferent- they don't push him though.

\- - -

The nights remain mostly quiet for the rest of the week, and the boys manage to lull themselves into a false sense of security- that maybe it was just a one off thing, that Niall's back to normal, not talking in his sleep at all.  
  
They're wrong, of course.  
  
The next time is worse than the last though- so much worse. Instead of 'I hate you', Niall's saying other things- he looks somewhat broken, all vulnerable and naive even in sleep, even with his baby blues hidden beneath closed lids.  
  
"You don' love me." he mutters into the crook of Harry's neck.   
  
Harry stiffens, thinks Niall's awake- he's not though, still sleeping almost peacefully against him. "Ni?"  
  
"Everyone loves everyone in here, but not me." his tone is resigned, and slow- sleepy even. Like it's not a big deal, something that he's gotten used to. Something that he's known for a while now.  
  
It scares Harry- because people think about  _real_  things when they sleep, don't they? That's when people think about the things that they refuse to think about during the day, when they're awake. "We love you, Ni."  
  
"Nah." Niall replies, and maybe it's a coincidence (although Harry has looked up this whole sleep-talking thing on the internet, read stories that people have posted about having full conversations with people that have been dead to the world). "Love you though. All of you-" he cuts himself off with a yawn, and then presses his lips to Harry's neck and falls back into a deep slumber.  
  
Harry glances up and sees three pairs of eyes blinking back at him through the darkness, that he hadn't noticed before. He wonders if they feel as small and lost as he does. 

\- - -

"We love you Ni, you know that- yeah?" Liam tries to keep his tone almost conversational, as they sit down for breakfast the following morning.  
  
Niall just cocks an eyebrow, tilting his head to the side for a moment, half grinning. "Yeah- yeah, course. I love you guys too, yeah?"  
  
Liam looks at him for a moment, tries to see a crack somewhere in the smiling face. He can't see anything- maybe Niall's eyes aren't as alive and warm as usual. Or maybe that's just his mind playing tricks on him. "Yeah. Yeah. But we do."  
  
Niall just smiles at him then, before turning around to put the kettle on, and Liam stares at his back and wonders why Niall thinks they don't. Because it must be a real worry, if that's what he thinks about when he's asleep- Liam just feels rubbish, and he knows the rest of them do, too. Rubbish that, through all of this, they've managed to somehow make Niall feel like he doesn't mean as much to them as they do to him. But he does- he really does mean so much more than he knows.  
  
Harry spends the day cuddling up to Niall in an effort to be close to him. Niall teases him, but they can all tell he's secretly happy about the new found attention, and he lets Harry wrap him in his arms tightly. Zayn cooks that night instead of them going out, and it's Niall's favourite (one of the only dishes Zayn can actually make) and if Niall wonders about it he doesn't say a word.  
  
Louis' just quieter than usual. He wonders how none of them noticed before, and thinks either Niall's a really great actor, or they're just too wrapped up in themselves to pay attention to the important things.

\- - -

After about a day of this weird attention, Niall comes to find them all with a determined expression across his face.  
  
"Why are you guys doing this?"  
  
Louis looks up from the television and feigns an expression of surprise. "What?"  
  
Niall sighs, a frown across his face. He can't help but feel like they  _know_  something- but that's impossible. He's spent months making this mask of indifference, and now it's easy to see through? It can't be. He kicks at the carpeted floor. "You  _know_  what."  
  
Harry looks to Zayn and Liam to answer.  
  
"We just- we love you." Liam's made it his mission to tell Niall this about a hundred times a day since that night. It never manages to lose it's effect though- still has Niall swelling with warmth and hope every time.  
  
"I know-"  
  
"No you don't." Zayn scowls a little, but nobody can tell whether it's at himself or Niall. "We  _know_  how you feel, alright? You talk in your sleep, Ni."  
  
Niall feels the colour drain from his face. "I've always-"  
  
"Not like this you haven't- it's not just noises. Real words, you know? Conversations." Zayn picks at the fabric on the arm of the couch, as Niall seems to fold in on himself in front of them. "We know how you feel."  
  
Niall feels a bit helpless. It wasn't something he ever wanted them to know- it seems an almost immature thing, to him. That he's upset, because they aren't giving him enough  _attention_ , or maybe they spend more time together than with him. But it's hard to feel like they all share equal love when it's so many of them, and it's hard for him to feel wanted, it really is. "I was just- it's nothing."  
  
"It's not  _nothing_." Liam gets up then, and he's got his arms around Niall before either of them can even register the fact. "We love you. We do. We want you to know that, alright?"  
  
Niall thinks maybe he can start believing, especially when the rest of them head on over to join in the group hug too- it's awkward, with limbs everywhere, and Louis manages to get them all down on the floor in a painful heap of elbows and knees, but it's them.  
  
Niall still talks in his sleep after, but it goes back to more nonsensical babbling. Harry goes to management and demands they have longer breaks.

\- - -

**5.**

Harry watches the boys begin to crumble around him, and his heart aches. He's always considered himself as pretty useless when it comes to this sort of stuff- you know, the part where he's supposed to  _deal_  with it all in some way. A part of him had been pleased when Zayn came to  _him_  for aid- but, at the same time, he'd hadn't been the greatest help, at least not in his eyes. It's just hard, that's all, to watch the boys start to break. He can see the cracks forming. There are constant frown lines across Liam's forehead, and they speak of weariness and despair. Niall rubs at eyes that seem permanently covered by some sort of film (it's called  _tiredness_ , Harry knows this at least) and Zayn seems to smoke a gazillion cigarettes a day. Harry watches as the little sticks of death burn away between his fingers. Sometimes, Zayn doesn't even seem to breathe the noxious gases in- it's as though he just needs the feeling of the fag in his hands, like it's a comfort blanket he can't give up.  
  
Harry understands. He understands it all, because even though he hasn't been 'hit' by anything yet, he still feels everything that they feel. It's one of those things that comes with being part of such a close-knit band- one of those unwritten little consequences, that someone decided against putting in the contract. Most of the time, it's more like a gift than a curse, because it allows them to fully understand one another. Now, though, it's a real hindrance. Harry thinks it's mostly to blame for the fact that all of them are being attacked by some sort of sleep disorder.  
  
He counts his lucky stars that, despite the now frequent disturbances at night, he's the only one getting some sort of real, actual, solid rest. Along with this odd sense of relief, is an almost overwhelming feeling of guilt. Guilt because, really, he's the one that deserves to be feeling that way, if any of them have to.  
  
He tries to be strong anyway, because someone has to step up to the plate now that Liam is overstretched, and Louis isn't really well rested enough to take over either. He lets Zayn fall asleep on him at unnatural times of the day, and he gets up to see to Louis when he starts walking around at night, taking care not to wake up whilst simultaneously ensuring he doesn't jump off of a hotel balcony, or something equally as life-threatening.  
  
It's hard work.  
  
He adds Liam's job to his rapidly lengthening list of 'Things to Feel Guilty About'.

\- - -

There are signs of progress with everyone.  
  
Zayn's doctor lowers the dosage of his medication, because Zayn's sleeping more at night now, and although Liam is still suffering terribly, he seems to be a lot happier in himself. They tell Harry that it's because of him- because he went to management and suggested (commanded) that they have longer breaks and- well, that's what happened.   
  
Harry's always had the most sway with management (Reason #12926537288 to Feel Guilty) and he doesn't like to think why, although he sort of knows that it has something to do with him bringing the band the most fans. He doesn't understand it (never had, never will) because he thinks the other guys shine a lot brighter than he does, but he doesn't question it either. If, at the beginning, Liam had sometimes looked at him with this jealous fire in his eyes, and Niall had been maybe oddly in awe of him, they're not now, so it's nothing Harry has to worry about (only he does).  
  
Anyway- they got a much needed break in between concerts, and although they're all still in the US, it means they don't have to do so many interview, who talk to as many fans (they love the fans, they do, but sometimes they get overwhelming and rabid, and Niall never copes well with that- none of them want to trigger the sleep talking to worsen). 

Mainly, they just stay holed up in their current hotel suite all day. Sometimes Harry takes a look at them and laughs, because  _this_  is what they do in their spare time. They're not cool, and they don't have wild, fabulous parties, and trash hotels and tour buses- they laze around and sleep (when possible), and they eat copious amounts of junk food (Niall) and play a lot of video games (Zayn) and wrestle around if they're not too worn down (mainly Louis but none of them resist)  
  
It's  _them_  and, although they aren't quite themselves lately, it's at times like this that Harry sends silent prayers to everybody listening, short and sweet 'thank you's for the life he's been blessed with. He wants the best for the boys and that's what they have really- despite the pitfalls, like their current situations.   
  
It really looks like things are getting better for all of them.  
  
(Except Harry has to go and ruin it, because that's who he is and what he does best).

\- - -

It's the first night that Liam crawls into bed at the same time as them and actually tries to sleep. It's the first night that Louis manages to go without getting up (at least before he's awoken before the night is over, anyway). It's the first night that there's no trace of sadness or terror in Niall's voice- it's just endearing and sweet, little murmured 'love you's and sighs.  
  
It's the first night that Harry manages to fuck it all up. Later, he'll wonder if, a subconscious part of him  _forced_  him to suddenly be affected by this- because it craved attention, because he wanted to be the one they boys worried about. He hates that he has to  _think_  about that. He's sure it isn't- because he doesn't want this, and he doesn't want their attention, not like this.  
  
But it happens, and it's probably the biggest Reason to Feel Guilty he's given himself for a while.  
  
He wakes up at one point in the night. He's not aware of much- vaguely he can tell that it's pitch black, so really late, and that everyone is sleeping- but he's aware of this crippling pain. It's not really physical (only it is- his limbs seem to be locked, and his body is poker stiff, and he's crying, god he's  _crying_ ) but he's screaming.  
  
And he can't stop.  
  
It's not even as though they're little whimpers of fear- he's screaming full throttle, seemingly with no remorse for the pitch and loudness of his voice. He manages to add it to the list in his mind as there are suddenly hands all over him.  
  
He can't explain what's happening, and Zayn is practically shouting ( _Haz, Haz- Harry what's wrong, please-)_  and Niall is sobbing (or maybe that's Harry himself making those heart-wrenching noises, he can't tell) and Louis' stroking down his face. It takes him a while, but the screams stop after a few moments, and then he's just lying board-stiff, muscles jerking every now and again. His face is wet, a mixture of cold sweat and heavy tears.  
  
The room is tense, the only sounds his own harsh breaths, filling the gaps in the atmosphere with warm air and pained noises. Niall's crying wordlessly now, and Louis looks torn between running and staying.  
  
"Harry?" Liam's voice sounds almost cruel in the room, hard.  
  
Harry looks at him, but his vision is blurred, and he doesn't really  _see_  anyway. He sees pinched faces and damp eyes and thinks that he hates how his own ability seems to be fucking everything up when it's finally going good.  
  
"What happened?" Louis' hand is softly running along Harry's back, in what Harry assumes is meant to be a comforting gesture.  
  
It just makes Harry want to- to throw up, rid his body of all this  _blame_  that's running through his veins and pumping his heart to it's own beat. Every other throb of his pulse seems to say  _myfaultmyfaultmyfault_.  
  
He swallows, stares down at the crumpled linen sheets beneath him, soaked cool with his own fear, sweated out of his body. "Nothing. Nothing, jus' a bad dream. Go back to sleep Li."  
  
He doesn't look up again to see if he's convinced them (knows he hasn't). He just curls back into the covers and tries to remember what made hot terror thrum through him.  
  
(A while later Liam leaves the room, slipping out when he thinks everyone else is asleep. Harry doesn't know how much room he has left on his list).

\- - -

The next morning is tense. Harry ignores the questioning and concerned looks, throwing himself into reading all the new rumours about them that circulate the internet on a daily basis. Apparently he and Liam have an STD, and Zayn has some girls name tattoed across his arse. It's always the same and, usually, Harry would laugh- maybe tell the others.  
  
Today he stares at the screen, eyes dead, and pretends he's okay.  
  
He isn't so sure how much more of this guilt his heart can take. It's already full to the brim- some of it seems to be seeping out into his bloodstream, and it's a painful attack on his body. He wonders if the occurrence last night will be a common thing. Somehow he thinks it will.  
  
The first star he sees that night before bed shines. He childishly wishes that it'll be a peaceful night.  
  
(It isn't. He screams and sweats and convulses, and Louis sleepwalks all the way into the bathroom, where Zayn finds him in the shower the next morning. It's funny to everyone but Harry).

\- - -

It takes a while for Harry to realise that he's having night terrors- it's almost the end of their break before he comes to that conclusion. A lot of the time, he can't remember what he's dreamed about. Other times he can.   
  
He doesn't tell the boys, even though it's probably more worrying to them- the not  _knowing_  the cause behind it all. He doesn't really want to tell them about the things he does recall from those nights- there seems to be a recurring theme though, and maybe it's something that Harry can admit has been eating at him for a while now.  
  
Maybe sometimes they're fighting in the dream, he and the boys- and it'll always end with them leaving him, like they suddenly realise what a waste of space he is. And sometimes- sometimes it's far more morbid and terrifying. Maybe something has happened to his boys, and he can't help them- there's nothing he can do, and he just has to watch as it really falls apart before his eyes, and those are the worst times, when he's waking up and crying and wondering if he'll see the boys again, because he forgets that it isn't real. Until he sees them, of course- and then he just cries harder still, an odd mixture of relief and  _oh my god I couldn't help you_  and he just doesn't know what to do about anything he feels.  
  
Thing is, he sort of knows that they're always going to be there for him when he wakes up. And in a way it's worse, because he can  _tell_  how much they love him- and he doesn't deserve it, he really doesn't. He doesn't deserve the way Niall looks at him, as though he's really something special, and he doesn't deserve the way Zayn just sits with him wordlessly when he knows Harry's in one of those moods. He doesn't deserve their tolerance and love, because he just- he isn't good enough for any of that. He wishes they could see that whilst, at the same time, he's selfishly pulling them all closer, with his sinful words and wicked charms. He knows what he's capable of (can't always explain it, maybe, but he knows) and he thinks that's the only reason they really stay. They just can't say no.  
  
His selfishness takes a toll on them all, and he watches as everything that once began to come together started to unravel again.  
  
Zayn sleeping, Liam not, Niall sobbing in his sleep, Louis walking to places that nobody else could save him from, not really- it's all Harry's fault, and that's the one reason to Feel Guilty that he repeats over and over in his mind until he can't really feel anything  _but_  that anymore.

He tries to keep his night terrors to himself, but it doesn't work. He doesn't seem to have any control whatsoever over it- especially over the way he always wakes, feeling desperate and clutching at whoever is nearest until his nails are digging crescent marks into soft muscle. He's always been a bit needy- it's something the others have teased him about in the past, over-looking Louis' desire to touch everyone, and Niall's 'cuddling' thing- but this is different. As soon as he wakes he's jumping into the nearest persons lap, his body shaking. He's lost weight too, and it always looks worse at these times- bones pointing against pale skin that's stretched to what looks like breaking point to the others.  
  
Sometimes Harry wishes they'd never gotten into this- that none of them had ever signed up for the X Factor- because although it's brought them together, it seems to be slowly pulling them apart too, creating fractures in the fragile binds that mould them as one.

\- - -

There's a moment when it all becomes too much, and the cracks suddenly wrench apart, creating huge gaping holes between them instead.   
  
There's a big one where Harry's heart used to be. It pounds painfully whenever he sees Niall withdraw in on himself, skin milkier than it's ever been and eyes red-rimmed, and when Liam stops telling them what to do, instead shutting up and becoming resigned, and when Zayn goes out onto the balcony and lights up twenty cigarettes in a row, barely a time when there isn't one hanging from between his bitten red-raw lips, and Louis- when Louis doesn't try to touch them, and flinches when he accidentally does.

\- - -

There's a moment when Harry realises that this isn't the way things are supposed to be- not the way he wants it to be.  
  
He makes it his job to glue them all back together again, stitching the pieces bit by bit. He starts with Liam- causes havoc so that Liam can't resist shouting at him. At first, Liam manages it- his eye barely twitching when Harry does something management screams bloody murder about- but eventually Harry gets to him, like he gets to them all.  
  
He gets all up in Zayn's personal space when he's trying to smoke alone, in an attempt to get him  _back_. They don't want the Zayn that stares out of windows with dead eyes, and smokes like his body wants to go the same way. They want Zayn with the quiet remarks, accompanied with sexy smirks- the Zayn who smells like ashes and leather.  
  
It's hard to get Niall back out of his cage. Harry eases into it, making it so that it's NiallandHarry not Niall and Harry. The others watch them with baited breaths, although Louis' is hesitant- still unsure of getting back into this  _thing_. Harry manages it, though.  
  
(He takes a few things off his Reasons to Feel Guilty list).

\- - -

There's a moment when everything works itself out again, until there's that quiet sort of love humming around them, working it's tiny silver tendrils into their bodies once more.  
  
They cram into one bed (they haven't done that for a while, because it's pretty much impossible) and it isn't comfortable at all- Zayn grumbles and bites at Louis' finger when Louis ruffles his hair, and Niall smacks his elbow into Harry's cheekbone (Harry isn't entirely sure that it  _isn't_  on purpose, but he figures maybe he deserves it). Liam tries to stop them getting into the bed together (he's sure it can't hold them all) but he's dragged down by a flushed Niall and slow-smiling Zayn, and that's that.  
  
They don't wake up for eighteen hours and twenty three minutes (forty five minutes for Zayn).  
  
(It's sleep that burns them out but, in the end, it's sleep that fixes them back up again).


End file.
